Michael Bourn, On the Fourth of July

Puns and Stats

By all accounts Michael Bourn was, and is, a great guy. He was a bit of a journeyman over his eleven year career, playing in Philadelphia, Houston (his hometown), Atlanta, Cleveland, Arizona, and Baltimore. A few good teams, mostly bad ones. Still, he chalked up 23 WAR, made two All-Star teams, and won two gold gloves playing stellar center field.

He became a broadcaster after his playing days, popular and generous with his time. The biggest blemish I could find on the man is that he uttered “Oh shit” during a broadcast on June 25, 2022, when Bryce Harper’s thumb was broken by a pitch. Bourn later apologized on air.

Nonetheless, the conflation of his last name and a movie with a similar word in the title literally forced me into photoshopping this poster. I had no choice in the matter. None.

Which begs the question… How did Michael Bourn perform on the Fourth of July over his career? I hate to expose the guy like this, but once twenty minutes goes into photoshop, a pun must be extrapolated to the fullest extent. Them’s the rules.

The answer: not great, Bob, not great. A .212 batting average, with three extra base hits in 33 at-bats.

I imagine Michael being teased as a 7-year-old with this very same pun. His retort, I further imagine, being, “My birthday is December 27th! And this is not even close to Oliver Stone’s best work. I get it, war is bad. I got it in the first 25 minutes and was bludgeoned by it for another two hours. That’s not filmmaking, that’s proselytizing!”

Astute, but those memories would be quite hurtful, distracting even. It’s the only explanation for this Independence Day funk. Right?

OK, on the other hand, just two more hits on July 4ths and Michael’s average improves to .272, a couple points above his career average. If that was the case, we’d be talking differently about him, his completely imagined childhood, Vietnam, Oliver Stone’s Academy Award over Peter Weir’s Dead Poets Society, and Tom Cruise’s Academy Award over Robin Williams. Just two hits.

That 3-for-4 games in 2012, was a Cubs vs. Braves affair. With Martin Prado, Jason Heyward, Chipper Jones, and Freddie Freeman hitting behind him, it’s no wonder Bourn has his best season that year. It wasn’t enough on that day though, as the Cubs Paul Maholm out-pitched the Braves Randall Delgado for a 5-1 Cubs win.

Michael Bourn had lots of good days in a long career. Oliver Stone had lots of good years as a director. We just never know which days or years we’re in (the good ones or the bad ones) while we’re in them. You just keep working, twenty extra swings in the cage, one more re-write at the laptop. Have some fun along the way and if you have a Chipper Jones or a Tom Cruise backing you up, all the better.

But know that some days you’re Robin Williams. Some days you’re Randall Delgado.