Mashups

Godzilla vs. Chipper Jones

A good mash-up provides a solid giggle and a new perspective on the two original ideas. I’ve been doing it as a filmmaker and editor for years. Now I’m doing it with baseball. This is my baseball blog. Thanks for stopping by.

Who wins a fight between the inner-circle Hall-of-Famer and the most famous seven-story Kaiju?  Who walks back into the ocean (or ranch in Texas), head down in shame? Can you use ‘roids or a corked bat when the Eastern Seaboard is at stake? How do I get a mural of this painted on the back of my house?

I posited these question to my friend, actress and musician Tipper Newton. She was confused, but then crafted a damn-near-perfect pop song. Here’s the first verse:

When he stepped out on the field, the ground began to quake.

It was an ordinary day, but it was no ordinary game,

and the monsters eyes grew bitter

'cause he didn't know the batter was an expert switch hitter!

Gives you chills, right? Here’s the music video we put together, GODZILLA KILLA:

Who do we root for in this scenario? Chipper can also say some monumentally dumb shit on Twitter; dumb enough to warrant a good giant monster smashing. 

On the other side of the diamond/seaside oil refinery is Godzilla, a metaphor for A) United States imperialism (savior and destroyer in equal measure) and/or B) the dangers of nuclear weapon proliferation. Either way, is that something we can honestly support in 2022?

If you’re a Mets fan, public policy and film theory be damned, you’re on Team Gojira. Fuck Larry Jones.

Maybe it depends on who is inside the rubber-suit monster costume. If it’s pitcher Hideo Nomo, Chipper has no chance. 

Of all Japanese pitchers Chipper faced, he had the most plate appearances against Nomo (42) and managed just two singles (a .057/.190/.057 slash line). 

Here are the numbers. Chipper never really figured out Japanese pitchers:

Side note, Tom Glavine (the Met & Phillie) also owned Mr. Jones at a .188/.297/.313 slash in 37 plate appearances. 

Back to our question at hand. According to Tipper, the fight destroyed them both. I blame the hubris of nuclear scientists, but that’s just me. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter if Chipper Jones, hitting a paltry .203, or rubber-clad Hideo Nomo, twisting into his tornado delivery, wins. Neither of them are actually super-human. They’re just human. Trying to get through another day.

As are we all.

If this has whetted your appetite for CG creatures and monster dingers, I have the movie for you. Seek out Mr. Go (2013). It’s as much fun as you can have, short of playoff baseball.

Thanks for reading. More soon.